Bar Rules |
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There is no shame in club soda and cranberry juice. Visiting the bar will be cheaper in the long run if you tip the bartender regularly and more generously than is necessary. Unless you are lounging on the Promenade Deck, do not drink from a fruit. Garnish matters. At the holiday office party, consume one drink less then your boss. Adopt a new favorite cocktail on a seasonal basis. Drinks that give you a bad breath: beer, anything sweet, anything with milk. Drinks that give you good breath: gin and tonic, gimlet, vodka and cranberry, anything with citrus. Instead of ordering After Shock to cap off the evening, one could just walk calmly into the street, lie down, and wait. Alternatively, you could pinch the bouncer's ass. Citrus cocktails benefit greatly from rubbing lemon peel around the rim of the glass. There is nothing sadder than a guy who orders beer by the pitcher when he's drinking alone. There is rarely any genuine need to shout "Skal!" "Na zdorovye!" "Slainte!" "Bottoms up!" or "Down the hatch!". Never drink in a place that calls itself an eatery. Sitting at the bar works only for two people. Three or more require a table. Always check your fly before leaving the john. If you were sitting in the john, make sure your wallet didn't fall onto the floor. Try to take care of the sitting thing at home. Never utter the words "I" and "love" and "you" if you've had more than three drinks. If you're a lightweight, make that one drink. Don't call the bartender Barkeep, Chief, Buddy, Ace, unless his name is in fact Barkeep, Chief, Buddy, or Ace. Even if you have ascertained the bartender's name, behaving overly familiar with him will be seen as a pathetic gambit for free drinks, or worse, proof that you have nobody to go to for affection other than a random service-industry professional who does not, in fact, know you and just wants your money. The one foolproof hangover cure: don't get drunk. Once you've fallen off a stool, there is little you can say to the bartender that will change his mind about asking you to leave. Also know that there is nothing cheeky or clever thing you can say to a female bartender that she hasn't already heard from some other schmuck before you. If you don't smoke and you're in a bar, don't complain about people who happen to be smoking, because, virtuous friend, you are in a bar. If the bartended offers you a shot, don't say, "Sure. What's in it?" If the bartender is good enough it offer, it's insulting to think that it could be something harmful. Instead of trying to remember whether it's "beer before liquor" or the other way around, just be an adult and stick to one or the other. If you're the first in the group to arrive and you start a tab on your card, you deserve exactly what's coming to you. Likewise, if you have a bar tab and, as a gesture of kindness, order a drink on behalf of someone else, whether you know the person or not, it's no one's fault but your own if it ends up on your tab. Kindness has its limits. Know them. Unless you are intimate with the group, if you forget which glass is yours, get a new one. "I only smoke when I drink." If you need to bum more than two cigarettes, buy a pack. If you find yourself uttering the words, "Don't worry, I'll buy you a pack," you should buy yourself one. Never leave your lighter on the bar. Don't put fruit in the ashtray. Don't put ice cubes in the ashtray, either. Fire . . . water . . . do the math. Never sit at the bar in a low chair. Never go from a 2 o'clock bar to a 3 o'clock bar to a 4 o'clock bar. Got straight to the 4 o'clock bar. If you take turns buying each other drinks, you're not really buying each other drinks. A tall glass of ice with a plastic cup on top will float in a pitcher and keep it cold. If you have to keep your pitcher cold, you shouldn't be ordering pitchers. If you put $10 in the jukebox, you will piss people off. If someone puts $5 in the jukebox and only plays three songs, don't play all the rest of them. Switching to coffee at the end of the night doesn't count if it has Bailey's or Frangelico in it. Three beans in your Sambuca definitely doesn't count. A lime coated with bitters is good for the hiccups. Lining up along the edge hoping to "bump" into girls as they pass to and from the dance floor is pathetic. And you know who you are. Never show surpirse that the food in a 24 hour restaurant sucks. If you're ordering a round, order all your drinks at once. If the bartender has to go and come back three times for one order, chances are he won't come back for your next round. Or this one will cost a few bucks more. Always check for paper on your shoes before leaving the bathroom. When running a "table tab", the person who orders the most will chip in the least or leave before the check comes. If you didn't eat any of the pizza, you don't have to chip in for it. If you ate a slice, pay up. If everyone else is drinking pitchers, don't take money from the kitty for your mixed drinks or bottles. Be nice to the fat, ugly chick. She is driving the two hot ones home. Men can be pigs even if you weren't wearing a halter top, mini-skirt, fuck-me pumps, and fishnets, but don't expect them to be gentlemen when you're dressed like that either. Don't stand in the aisle. There's a reason no one else was standing there. There is also a reason no one was standing right in front of the dart board. The cops wait outside the burrito place for a reason. Don't let the lonely old guy buy you a beer or he will never shut up. The perfect martini: there is no such thing as the perfect martini . Make it the way it tastes best to you. |